Death of My Husband: Day 69

July 10, 2014

I didn’t sleep well again.  My heart still isn’t feeling right.  My doctor will be back in the office today and we will see what she says.  As soon as I moving around, or lay in a certain position, my heart starts beating fast like I am amped up on caffeine and running a marathon.  The last thing I need is to have a heart attack on my son.

Although I miss my husband, or should I say the man I married, I no longer want to have a premature life.  Since my eyes were open to the torment my husband was going through, I am glad he found peace.  It is my turn to do the same.  My heart tells me I will some day see him again.  I will probably go see a medium just to be sure. :)

I made peace with God a long time ago.  I actually prayed to him to end my parents suffering.  They were both on hospice and very sick, suffering.  I would do anything to have them happy, healthy and whole but I knew it was not an option.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss them or remember something they taught me.  My mom’s biggest fear was that I would forget about her, as if that could ever happen.  In that respect, I know my larger than life personified husband would want to be remembered as well.  Not for the man in the very end, but the man I married and all the wonderful things he did for others.

We received and unexpected financial blessing of $800.  It sure is coming in handy so we can get our mortgage paid.  I even have a couple of prospects for insurance, in addition to Mary Kay clients.  I have also started studying for my next license.  Although my cousin’s comments the other day were hurtful, they were true.  It is time to start planning and moving in the direction for my new future.  It is time to focus on the immediate, finances.  Some day I may even find happiness, or even just contentment in my new life.

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Death of My Husband: Day 68

July 9, 2014

Another sleepless night.  Chloe kept me company until 3:30am while we watched Orange is the New Black season 2. :)

Evenings are the hardest.  I can’t trick my mind like I can do during the day.  I fight the urge to pick up the phone and call him, but it is like he is at work and will be home.  It is at night when I have to accept the reality that he isn’t home.  Our room is too quiet and lonely.  I am not sure I will ever get use to his absence.  Some day I need to learn to sleep without him.

I see women that were strong and stayed single for years.  I see others that have boyfriends.  Others that have remarried.  I know my husband and there is no way he would have wanted me to have a replacement.  He would tell me to get the pink toy and call it a day. :)  I know he made a mistakes the month he died.  It is a terrible thing when you lose the battle with addiction.  I am sure the guilt of his actions were eating away at him, thus the accidental overdose.

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I spent a day in bed.  Not from depression, but from this medication.  My heart is still not feeling right.  Hoping the doctor calls me ASAP tomorrow morning.My heart aches for me as well.  I need to find my way in a new life.  I need to get some financial stability while I build my insurance business.  I also need to learn how to be me again.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  I have been known as Mario’s wife for seven years.  I am not the same person I was back then.  I evolved into a wife, mother and grandmother.  How do I become just Rhonda again?There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish things would have been different.  He should have talked to me when he started his spiral.  I would have encouraged him to get the medical and psychological care he needed and provided a support system for him at home.  13 years clean, just wiped away as if that time never existed.  Wish I seen the warning signs early; I just chalked the small changes up to stress with work.  He was expanding his offices and opening another location, so I didn’t question him.  I had the utmost faith and trust in my husband and his choices.  Never in a million years would I think he would relapse.  My heart aches for him.

 

 

Death of My Husband: Day 67

July 8, 2014

I was a little too wound up today due to yesterday’s excitement.

As you know we had a home invasion in June; shortly after Mario died. The people involved were former friends of my son. Police went to question one of the kids today. Do you know his parents came to my doorstep and continuously called my phone! ?! Guess these kids are being tied into a few more. Hope they all get tried as adults since they feel it’s OK to hold guns on people.

I ended up having to call the police because they called me non-stop for 2 hours straight, showed up in my doorstep, and sent several text messages to my son and me.

A friend stated that it is a crime for a potential suspect to contact the victim. Something to do with witness tampering.

Sure as hell is. In your state: “609.498 TAMPERING WITH WITNESS.” is the law, and while they have made no threats as such; I think they would meet the criteria of 3rd degree. Call the police any time you’re approached by anyone on their behalf.

I was so pissed by their actions, I let them push my buttons. I was not so friendly on the phone. I am a ticking time bomb after all the stuff that has been happening since Mario’s passing.  I am surprised I am holding it together as well as I am.

Today has been one of those days where I wish I could just pick up the telephone and talk to Mario.  In spite of everything, he was still my best friend.  I could talk to him about anything.  If something wasn’t right, he would do his best to make it right.  The knowledge that he is gone is a little overwhelming today.

I finally decided I do not like how my heart felt since taking these new cholesterol pills, so I researched the side effects and m very glad I did.  The racing heart rate is one of the severe side effects.  Not to mention my already erratic sleeping pattern and chest pains.  I messaged my doctor who won’t be in the office until Thursday.  In the meantime I have stopped taking them all together.  Since I have been feeling like this for a week, I didn’t feel like it was life threatening enough to head to the emergency room.  I did make it this long.

Since I didn’t sleep well, I chose to take a nap this afternoon.  My cousin happened to get on my ass about napping.  She said:

I was self employed and worked twice as hard building my business. You will lose it if you don’t kick your own ass in gear. Time to call the pity party over and get back to living. Had this not happened you would have had what done by now?

Her husband died in November and was older; they are in their 60’s, whereas my husband was 40 and his death unexpected. My response:

At the 67 day mark and am working in that direction. My husband was only 40. Since his death I had to deal with B.S. at his office, his family, illness, shocking revelations, finances and home invasion. Technically, I just started to have the opportunity to grieve and think I am handling very well.

Her response:

All that adds up to just stuff that can’t be changed. Excuses are the nails that built the house of failure. You ARE the one that is in charge of your life. Build it the way you both planned it to be. Finish his dream and move forward This will be a better use of your grief. Honor him.

I realize she wants me to move forward in a positive direction in my life, but I am only at the 67 day mark and had to deal with a lot of emotional stuff.  It isn’t as if I am not working or making ends meet.  We are just getting by.  Her comments really hurt my feelings.  I am not in some great depression, but there are tough days where I don’t feel like doing crap.  Or, nights where I don;t sleep well and need a nap.

I chose self-employment because of my physical and mental disabilities.  It allows me the time to take care of myself when I need too.  I think dealing with the situations for the last two months qualifies as a reason to take care of me.  I have been working, just at a more relaxed pace.  I think if anything more happens I will go off the deep end.

Although I have had some harsh moments of non-stop crying, my mini breakdowns are rare.  I am too busy trying to make our life right to sit and cry all day.  I would think that I am doing really well in dealing with my grief.  I am even back to studying my butt off to get my next set of licenses.  I may even retain my real estate license if it isn’t too late to get that accomplished.  I just need to complete 15 hours of the continuing education and pay the fee.

Once my business cards are ready, I will begin a huge networking campaign.  I plan on spending my evenings out and about with friends and meeting new people and prospective clients.  It isn’t like I am sitting in a room and sulking all day.  Heck, I have even been outside and got natural Vitamin D with a nice base tan.  My life is moving forward, I am not standing still, I am making baby steps.  People grieve differently and I am not ready for major strides at the moment.  Accomplishing one project at a time, and taking it one day at a time.  I only had 7 years with my husband, not 20+, and I feel a little cheated.  I got married to grow old with Mario, not grow old alone.

On that note, I am going to try and get a couple more hours of studying in.  Hoping I don’t end up in the emergency room.  A friend of mine said to just be calm, and don’t do anything strenuous.

 

 

 

Death of My Husband: Day 66

July 7, 2014

I had a decent nights sleep for once; no nightmares.  I prayed for peace before I fell asleep.

My eyes have been opened today. I spoke with the homicide detective today who assured me that the accidental OD was self inflicted. There is no evidence which leads to foul play.

He stated that after 13 years my husband probably had a relapse due to people he was around. Says it starts with effecting relationships, then finances and work performance.  My unnerving conversation with the investigator put things into perspective.  It definitely explains the relationship/potential affair with that female as she condone/partook in the same addictions. Once this started mid-April he was no longer the man I married.  He became a different person covering up his behavior.  I guess I should be glad he was protecting me from the truth, but I am not.

I didn’t realize just how stressed my husband was becoming.  Wish he would have communicated with me so that we could have avoided him going down the wrong path.  It doesn’t help that my husband was bi-polar and unmedicated.  He should have listened to me when I suggested he take his medication.  I take mine faithfully, so it is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Self-medicating is a big no-no.

Definitely hurt by these actions; mainly because I didn’t see the danger signs right away.  For as well as I knew my husband, I should have known there was something more going on than the stress from the office.  I should have known that a relapse was possible.  I just trusted him so much and believed him to be stronger than that.  Feel that had I known we could have got him help and the additional support he needed.  I feel like I have failed him.  Yet at the same time, I feel some type of closure for gaining this new knowledge.

This closure is due to the explanation of why he had a relationship/possible affair and the cause of his death.  The officer indicated that his chances would have been higher had they sought medical attention right away, but he still may not have survived.  I know that lifts the stress from his cousin Howard.  He was blaming himself for not getting him help as he assumed it was just from Mario drinking on an empty stomach.  It also keeps me from partially faulting him as well.  Ultimately, Mario was responsible for the choices he made.  It doesn’t make my grief any less, or any easier.

 

I guess I should be glad my husband found the peace he obviously did not find on earth. I hate that he relapsed and is gone. He was a wonderful, loving, motivated person with an achievable dream.  It is too bad that his dream caused so much stress.

My husband will always be loved and remembered as the man I married.  He had an amazing personality, a smile that could light up a room, sense of humor, affectionate, caring, loyal, hard-working, and always there to lend a hand for someone in need.  That is the beautiful man I have loved for 7 years and made a lifetime commitment too.

The thought of suicide has left my thoughts at this point.  I am no longer lost.  I know my husband loved me until his last breath, he would not want to see me hurting, and would want me to be happy.  I am going to do my best to honor him until we meet again.  He will remain my soul mate.

 

Death of My Husband: Day 65

July 6, 2014

I really wish I could sleep at night.

Going to take it really easy today.  I am going to sit outside and get more fresh air like yesterday.  My son should be back from his camping trip some time today.  I miss having people around.  If my kids ever move out, I will need to get a roommate.

Even though I worked Howard like a Hebrew Slave cleaning carpets and doing yard work, it was nice having someone to talk too.  it was comforting knowing there was another person somewhere in the house.  Plus he wouldn’t care if i stayed up all night and just watched movies.

The future has many years in it.  I dislike thinking about the expanse of time as I would love to be in the arms of my husband.  I know I would never get married again.  I would never have a serious relationship.  However, I wonder if I might just have a companion of sorts.  Someone to do things with, talk to, and possible intimacy.  For right now, I can only think of my husband, getting our life back in order, and learning to be content to wander in this world until my last breath.

I took an afternoon nap; very much needed after my busy weekend.  I am really not liking these nightmares.  i have been waking up in a sweat, but cannot remember the dream.  I just know they are about Mario.  I am starting to feel anxious and my heart racing.  I wish I could remember.  It is almost like he is trying to tell me something.  I feel like a failure because I don’t understand the message.

I attempted to calm my heart and relax today.  My son came home and we watched a couple of movies and ate pizza.  I am so exhausted that I am going to read a book and turn in early.  Hoping that if I dream, I remember it.

 

 

 

Death of My Husband: Day 64

July 5, 2014

I got a little rest.  I say little because I was having nightmares about Mario.  They start off good, then turn to ugly thoughts.  I dreamed about confronting him and that female at the office concerning their “affair”.  Then it would go off on a tangent as if I am seeing what happened before he died.  I am mad because I cannot remember the dream and I feel like he is trying to tel me something.

Anyways. Howard finished off the cleaning of the carpets and cut my grass.  I enjoyed some sunshine. I imagined the wind the caress of my husband.  The sunshine the warmth of his body.  I spent the afternoon enjoying my memories of him.

Once Howard was done, i dropped him off at home then went to visit my girlfriend.  Time was flying by and I had to rush to the Wal-mart before they closed.  i had to drop off the steam cleaning machine.  I wish I would have done it sooner as I was not ready to come home to an empty house.

You know I can’t leave well enough alone.  I went back through Mario’s phone records.  There was a lot of communication at all hours of the day/night to that female for about 14 days, then it drops off.  It appears that my husband may have made the mistake of having a brief affair, but was cut off.  i say may have as conversation and considering cheating is still not the same as the actual deed.  Either way, it was over and he chose his home.  I am OK with that.

I love my husband with every breathe I take.  I will forgive him his error in judgment.  I know the root of that error was because what he truly believed I was doing.  I was not the affectionate person that he needed and felt that my intentions were with someone else.  he could not have been more wrong.  When my intentions returned, I think he realized his error.  Or at least thought 2 wrongs do not make it right.  Whatever the case may be, it is too late to be hurt or angry behind it.

She made her Facebook page “unprivate”.  The only thing she ever mentioned was that a close friend of hers died.  She did not say her “boyfriend’ or her “man”.  The only other mention was about the fact that he died at her house.  I think that if it was a serious affair, she would have posted far more than that on her page.

No one is perfect.  I never put my husband on a pedestal that he was perfect.  I just know that we would overcome any trials and tribulations that came our way.  If he had a moment of weakness, then so be it.  It does not change the love I have for him, and he knowledge he loved the very ground I walked on.

I would like to believe that my husband was sincere when he stated that it wasn’t what I thought. He clearly ended the conversations before I even confronted him.  He may have stopped before he made the final mistake.  Emotional cheating can be just as bad.

Word of advice women, do not allow your husband to emotionally cheat as it can turn into a physical form.  If I could have changed things, I would have given him that extra attention he wanted: back rubs, feet rubbed, etc.  He really never asked for much and I should have been more willing.  The petty arguments mean nothing.  Before you start complaining about your significant spouse, stop and picture your life permanently without them, not by choice either.  Imagine them ripped away from you and you couldn’t hear them, see them, or touch them ever again.

I would give anything to turn back the hands of time to August 2013.  We were still “honeymooning” and I would have loved if we could have stayed that way forever.  No business stress.  No meetings.  Nothing but us.

I am into my feelings tonight because being home alone on a Saturday night sucks.  We could have been fornicating throughout the house like the old days.  :)

Death of My Husband: Day 63

July 4, 2014

Howard was kind enough to come over and steam clean my carpets.  I cleaned the entire house and finished off the laundry as he did this.

We took a break and went to my friend’s house to have a BBQ.  Being the slave driver that I am, we went back to my house within 3 hours so he could steam clean some more.  At 3am we had to run to the 24-hour Wal-mart so to grab more shampoo.  He did a thorough job of cleaning the house; moved furniture and everything.

I finally gave him a break at 7:30am.  I needed to get a couple hours of sleep.

During his cigarette breaks we talked about Mario.  I love talking about my husband.  Although I did get a little teary-eyed a few times, it was great just remembering him.

 

Death of My Husband: Day 62

July 3, 2014

Cheers to another sleepless night.  Too bad I am only drinking brisk tea. :)  Unfortunately, I will be dragging butt today as I have a lot to do today.  Starbucks will be my best friend.

My thoughts are racing at the moment.  Not of just of my husband, but of his business.  As you know I was “vetoed” off the island while they tried to figure out how they were going to run the office.  I trained Mario’s daughter on some basic bookkeeping and just keep an eye on things from the distance.  Mario’s company was turned into a non-profit last year to help with securing government contracts and potential grants.  With that being said, he needed a board of directors.  He never had the intention of utilizing the board as it was his company.  Mario made a small error when he set up the company, or oversight, he didn’t have stocks.  Without stocks he doesn’t have any real ownership in his own company.  Needless to say, without stocks I do not have any say in the company either.  It is now governed by a board of directors without even a CEO.  Only one real board member is even interested in running the company.

Mario’s company went from making over $20k per month to not making ends meet in the 62 days he has been gone.  Crazy, right?  There are unhappy clients and advertising budget has been cut.  Mario may not have wanted me stressed about the day to day operations of the company, but there is no way he would want me to stand by and do nothing.  So, my sleepless night pertained to how to make some positive changes and some restructuring when I really do not have any legal rights…

Wish me luck.

It is already.  I am going to give myself two more hours.  If I am not asleep by that time, then I may as well get up and start cleaning the house.  Today is the day we were going to do it.  I figured I could get the kitchen cleaned, living room dusted, and my bathroom cleaned before my son wakes up.  He can vacuum at that time.  Mario’s cousin is suppose to come over and clean the carpets today.   I hope so.  The police had tracked muddy footprints throughout the house after the home invasion.

After my 11am appointment, I am going to pamper myself a little bit; getting waxed and a mani/pedi.  I may even get my car washed finally.  Next week I need to make time to get my hair done.  It is out of control.

Yes, I finally have a little bit of money.  I did not receive any assistance, just $300 in donations.  I used the donations to pay the utilities and managed to earn enough money to pay June mortgage.  I will figure something out to get July’s paid ASAP.  I am working my Mary Kay business as it is the most liquid; in August I will receive my first commission check from Farmers Insurance.

I received a call from a temporary agency for a position at US Bank as a loan processor.  It isn’t what I was doing prior, but I am qualified to do the job.  I use to work in the Prefund Department scrubbing files for misrepresentation; basically underwriting a file backwards.  I enjoyed the research part of the job and my co-workers.  Unfortunately there was a massive layoff and I was voted off the island.  Seniority doesn’t mean crap now days, especially if you need accommodations.

Really just want to work part-time in my neighborhood.  Just something to eliminate the stress of finances while I build my insurance and Mary Kay client base.  Self-employment works so much better for me due to Lupus flares.  FMLA and Accommodations are for the birds.  At least I could work from home when I am experiencing a flare, or reduce my hours without all kinds of red tape.  Too stressful for me.

I have hit the numb factor again.  I guess that is God’s way of giving me strength to cope with the loss of my husband.  I keep thinking he is at work, or some excuse and is not home.  The reality of never being to hold him again is too much to bear.  While I am half asleep, I swear I can feel him kiss me or his presence next to me.  Even in the middle of the night, I hear dishes fall in the kitchen.  It isn’t the cat knocking them over because she is sitting at the end of the bed; she doesn’t leave my side.  Thinking it is Mario looking for his late night snack and getting something to drink. lol  Normally he would try to send me to the kitchen to get it.

Time.  It is something we are not promised.  I think back to our petty arguments and I think what a waste of time.  Instead, I should have just massaged his back and feet.  If I would have done that, he probably would have been more inclined to do what I wanted without having to have an argument. :)  He wasn’t that hard of a person to please.  All he wanted was a clean house, dinner, and signs of affection.  He just wanted to know that he had someone loyal, honest, and respected him.  I wish he were home right now just so we could do these things.  It leaves me to wonder what heaven will be like.  We are just spirits, so how will our love be?

My son asked me when we were moving to a smaller house. Mind you he is 17 and no longer wants to move out because Mario died. I told him, I am not selling our home. We made it a home. If anything, we can buy some new furniture, paint, etc. so it looks and feels a little different.

I know what he means. I sit in the living room and look down the hallway to our bedroom. Part of me feels like he is still here, yet disappointed when I see our empty bed. Plus, he wants me safe after the home invasion.

 

 

 

Death of My Husband: Day 61

July 2, 2014

At night I sit in the living room and look at our bedroom. I feel anxious about going to bed because I feel like he is still here, then disappointed when I see the bed empty. I end up watching cable all night and go to bed when the sun comes up or the birds start chirping. At this time, I can pretend he is at work and I can get some rest. My sleeping schedule is totally screwed up and it’s affecting my business; I am self employed.

Today I stayed awake all night for the 5th night in a row.  Instead of going to bed at dawn, I am staying up and getting some things done today.  Going to recharge my batteries and get my schedule back.  I even plan on going to the cemetery to speak with my husband.  I have a lot to say and hope he hears me.  I really need his strength to carry on without him.

One of his friends said I just need to be me again.  Mario has been in my life so long, I can’t remember what I was like before him.  We have changed so much over seven years, that I don’t even want to be the old me.  I loved our life.  It wasn’t perfect, but we were together.  I need to discover the new me, with a new life, and have to find some type of happiness while I am at it.

Today marks a new beginning.

I didn’t do too much, but am feeling a little bit better.  I did an insurance quote and filled a Mary Kay order.  Not to mention, I paid the electric/gas bill.  It is important to me to make sure that things are taken care of.

Appears we may have a leak coming from our hot water heater.  Hoping a friend of mine can repair the problem.  Money is too tight to call out a repairman at this time.

Note to self: Call cemetery and inquire when the headstone will be completed.  Mario’s name and our last name haven’t been updated yet.  I know they only get done when the engraver comes out, but would like to have it done before his birthday.  His mom is coming up to visit the grave site on that day.  We will go together.

The Fourth of July is around the corner.  I have no plans…  Last year Mario and I met some friends at Tanner’s Lake.  We went floating together.  Going through the holidays is not easy.  I miss him coming into the kitchen hungry and asking what is ready that he could eat at this moment.  He is always eating something. lol

This grieving process sucks.  There isn’t a day that goes by without me crying over the loss of a remarkable man that I was proud to call my husband.  I would give anything to have him here with us today.  I feel cheated out of 20+ years that we could have had together.  We ere suppose to be like the movie the Notebook; old and dying in each other’s arms.  Neither of us wanted to live without the other.  He can’t even sleep without me.

I survived another day.

 

 

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