It feels like forever since I wrote in my blog.  I took a break while I went through a difficult period in my life.   I chose not to share my burden, grief and challenges with the public. Not that I didn’t want people to know what was going on, but because I didn’t want my followers to feel my pain and misery every day.   I may have lost you along the way through my journey.

I will share that being a widow is the hardest thing to go through.  Not just because of the loss, but others cannot understand the depths of that loss unless they have experienced it.

Widows go through drastic changes while learning to accept the loss of the loved ones. We are trying to find our new identity, breaking traditions to avoid nostalgia,  finding ways to alleviate the grief, etc.  The closest people to you do not understand these changes.  You intentionally hurt their feelings and it makes it even worse for you.  Half the time we don’t know what we want to do.  We have no motivation and all our decisions are last minute.

Widows celebrate the small successes that others take for granted. We get excited over being able to sleep 3 hours straight at night, able to eat a meal a day, getting through the day without a mental breakdown, and just being able to crawl out of bed to face another day alone.

To some extent, we resent the happiness of others.  They move around their daily lives waking up next to their loved one,  have someone to share their day with,  cuddle at night, etc. We also get irritated when others complain about everything, see them not appreciating that they have someone to complain about. It is like every day bullshit no longer matters to us anymore.  We buried a part of ourselves with our spouse. Each day we wonder if it will come back us. Or, even if the pain will lessen.

The past 8 months has brought a lot of painful moments and dark times that I choose not to relive.  I never believed in suicide,  but my heart was so shattered that I considered the matter.  I didn’t feel I had a reason to go on anymore.  Then I snapped out of it. I still have a whole life of possibilities.  Plus I still have grown children that look to me for guidance.  I still have grandchildren that I can watch grow.  I may even met future grandchildren.  I may even meet another man to share my life with.

A few positive things came out of my grief. I realized that even though he is gone, I still matter. I honored my husband’s legacy by continuing his work. I opened my own driver’s license reinstatement program while growing my insurance business.  I now spend my days busy with him guiding me along the way. I have even cracked the door on the possibility of dating.  Nothing serious. Just the opportunity to get out, have fun, and enjoy life.

Appreciate the little moments in life.  You never know when it will be your last.